the only way to survive

i'm not a poet. but recently, a poet (of the slam sort) has touched me. i want to share it with you all....read on if you so choose.

i often repeat myself
and the second time's a lie
i love you
i love you
see what i mean i don't
...and i do
and i'm not talking about a girl i might be kissing on
i'm talking about this world i'm blissing on
and hating
at the exact same time
see life---doesn't rhyme
it's bullets...and wind chimes
it's lynchings...and birthday parties
it's the rope that ties the noose
and the rope that hangs the backyard swing
it's a boy about to take his life
and with the knife to his wrist
he's thinking of only two things
his father's fist
and his mother's kiss
and he can't stop crying
it's wanting tonight to speak
the most honest poem i've ever spoken in my life
not knowing if that poem should bring you closer
to living or dying
drowning of flying
cause life doesn't rhyme
last night i prayed myself to sleep
woke this morning
to find god's obituary scrolled in tears on my sheets
then walked outside to hear my neighbor
erasing ten thousand years of hard labor
with a single note of his violin
and the sound of the traffic rang like a hymn
as the holiest leaf of autumn fell from a plastic tree limb
beautiful ---and ugly
like right now
i'm needing nothing more than for you to hug me
and if you do
i'm gonna scream like a caged bird
see...life doesn't rhyme
sometimes love is a vulgar word
sometimes hate calls itself peace on the nightly news
i've heard saints preaching truths
that would have burned me at the stake
i've heard poets tellin lies that made me believe in heaven
sometimes i imagine hitler at seven years old
a paint brush in his hand at school
thinkin what color should i paint my soul
sometimes i remember myself
with track marks on my tongue
from shooting up convictions
that would have hung innocent men from trees
have you ever seen a mother falling to her knees
the day her son dies in a war she voted for
can you imagine how many gay teen-age lives were saved
the day matthew shepherd died
could there have been anything louder
than the noise inside his father's head
when he begged the jury
please don't take the lives of the men
who turned my son's skull to powder
and i know nothing would make my family prouder
than giving up everything i believe in
still nothing keeps me believing
like the sound of my mother breathing
life doesn't rhyme
it's tasting your rapist's breath
on the neck of a woman who loves you more
than anyone has loved you before
then feeling holy as jesus
beneath the hands of a one night stand
who's calling somebody else's name
it's you never feelin more greedy
than when you're handing out dollars to the needy
it's my not eating meat for the last seven years
then seeing the kindest eyes i've ever seen in my life
on the face of a man with a branding iron in his hand
and a beat down baby calf wailing at his feet
it's choking on your beliefs
it's your worst sin saving your fucking life
it's the devil's knife carving holes into you soul
so angels will have a place to make their way inside
life doesn't rhyme
still life is poetry --- not math
all the world's a stage
but the stage is a meditation mat
you tilt your head back
you breathe
when your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks
and you pray for rain
and you teach your sons and daughters
there are sharks in the water
but the only way to survive
is to breathe deep
and dive

Andrea Gibson is beautiful, and this poem inspires me to keep on keeping on even though at times I doubt myself, doubt my decision to go to medical school. You spend so much of your time as an undergrad worrying about getting into school - getting the grades and the experiences that will fill your application and make you a better candidate than the next. And now that I am here I often wonder - "how did I get here? and is this really the right thing for me?" I know it is. it's a daunting path.

But today in anatomy lab, I held a human brain in my hands. It was heavy and wet and wonderful. It filled my heart with joy and my body with adrenaline and brought me back to the happy place. The simple act of holding the most powerful machine in our body erased my dubious thoughts.

I miss my dad.

It's been 2 years since he passed.

Acing the tests

View of Mt. Hood from my bedroom window

So apparently, when I study less, I get better grades.

:) I thought that this last test, you know, the one I said I didn't study that much for, was pretty easy. The lab practical portion was very difficult, but the written exam was straightforward. And it turns out, I got a 94% on it. Rock on!

This week is butt and legs.....fun fun. I never thought I would say that I'm happy to be back into the muscles....but it's way more fun than the anal triangle, for example.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I need to try to write at least once a week! Oh it's so difficult.

Life in the fast lane = Medical School

I guess it's not uncommon to be busy during medical school. Did I sign up for this??
Instead of giving the usual run down of past events (it's been quite a while since I last posted) I think I'll recap my awesome week.

I have a test on Monday, so I've spent most of the day studying. I went into the cadaver lab with my roommate and we quizzed each other about various parts of the thorax and abdomen. Anuj and I tried to hit up a vegan Pho place downtown, but it was closed. There have been innumerable instances of restaurants being closed when we most crave their cuisine- so frustrating! Instead we went and had lackluster Mexican. I studied for a bit at home and then we took a break to go to the REI sale! I have been trying to exhibit some restraint, both in the social world and in the consumer world, and I refrained myself from buying a really cute jacket that I didn't really need (oh, but I did!).

So this week, instead of studying every night like most of my classmates, I did some really fun stuff instead, with a little studying interspersed in between. Monday was one of the prophecied last nice days, so I went to the park and laid in the sun. A few people from my class joined me later, and we played tennis (or rather, attempted to play tennis....I've lost my touch!)....and then we played ultimate frisbee....and then I plopped on my picnic blanket for a few more hours, finally watching the sunset over Willamette River. It was a wonderful afternoon/evening, topped off with burritos from Chipotle (damn, I miss Papalote!). Tuesday evening was mostly studying, topped off with Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which I believe wasn't nearly as good as knocked up or superbad).

Wednesday, our Principles of Clinical Medicine lecture and small group session actually went quite well! Usually we talk about nothing in particular, and we don't get the hands on physical exam practice that we should be getting....but this day went very smoothly and I felt we accomplished what we were indeed supposed to. That night, the orthopedic surgery interest group and the family medicine interest group hosted a "Splinting/Casting" workshop....we partnered up and learned how to put volar and thumb spica splints on each other! It was awesome. (Oh and last week, we had a workshop about suturing - on pigs feet!) I love this hands-on stuff. After the casting workshop, my classmate Justin and I went over to OMSI - the Oregon Science Museum. Adults only, Rogue beer and spirits tasting, fancy coffee and wine samples, all intermixed with dorky (but awesome) science exhibits - my ideal date.

Thursday after class, Anuj and I made a fancy fish taco dinner for a few of our classmates. We later ventured out for "First Thursday", an event once a month in Portland where many stores and galleries host art and give out free wine and beer. We went to Adidas because I knew they had kegs there....we had a few drinks, hung out, looked at cool shoes, etc. Chris, Anuj, Justin and I headed out to the 'burbs to hit up an all night cafe....we got in a few hours of late-night studying.

Friday was class as normal, but then I rushed off to go observe my second afternoon of orthopedic surgeries! I followed Dr. Mirarchi around as he removed a mucus cyst from a woman's middle finger, and then later screwed in some hardware into a guys broken's ankle. I love this stuff!! I also observed a small part of a knee surgery, in which they were measuring the length/depth of a meniscus tear to see if a patient qualified for a clinical research project. A few weeks ago I witnessed a rotator cuff repair as well as an A1 finger ligament release.....these sort of observations really get me excited about medicine. Many more surgeries to come, I hope!