Friday, August 14, 2009

We are the lump sum of our selves.

A few weeks ago, a classmate sent out an email about a clinical study that he was helping to conduct on the Hill.
I love clinical studies!
The purpose of the study was to determine the effects of nitrous oxide on intraocular pressure. Kids often receive nitrous oxide, known as “laughing gas”, to sedate them during these measurements. The researchers want to make sure that the noxious gas has no effect on the pressure. Enrolling kids in clinical studies does not really fly high on the ethics scale, so often researchers rely on information gathered from consenting adults.

Thus, I became a participant in the study: an hour off work, free nitrous oxide, and the added bonus of cash in the wallet.

Don’t get me wrong, I was a really good kid, but I definitely did my share of experimenting on my own accord. Adolescence is filled with curiosity about the human body, and as 13 year-olds, some of us became little scientists yearning for some questions to some answers. My friends and I would travel to the local Wawa for a few cans of whipped cream. One little hit of nitrous oxide lasted about 45 seconds; tongues went numb, arms went wailing, and giggles abounded. Later in high school, Dave Matthews Band concert parking lots were filled with people selling big balloons filled with the gas – the high lasted a little longer but it was of a similar caliber to the whipped cream experience. Yesterday I thought I knew what was coming to me.

After signing the consent form and hearing a little bit about the experiment, I was a little anxious but not too nervous. I had to limit my food intake by 8am in order to ensure that if I did feel nauseas, I wouldn’t actually vomit or aspirate (inhale said vomit).

THE PROTOCOL: lying on a bed, 5 minutes of baseline measurements, 12 minutes of 70% nitrous oxide (an extraordinarily high dose, I would later find out), 2 minutes of 100% oxygen, about 15 minutes of room air, and however long it might take to completely recover. Intraocular pressure measurements made every 2 minutes or so throughout the protocol.

[[[[[[[[[[[[THE GAS: According to the lovely wikipeople, “Nitrous oxide (N2O) is a dissociative drug that can cause analgesia, depersonalization, derealization, dizziness, euphoria, and some sound distortion.” It’s pharmacological effects are not fully understood, but it gets into cells fast and may block NMDA receptors while activating GABA receptors and potassium channels in neurons….it might also induce an endogenous opioid response. Said the chemist that first synthesized the gas, Joseph Priestley, “I have now discovered an air five or six times as good as common air... nothing I ever did has surprised me more, or is more satisfactory."]]]]]]]]]]]]]

I get into the bright white pediatric surgery room, lay down on the bed, and they strap me down with a seatbelt type contraption. “Patients tend to squirm a bit”. I’ve got my iPod in hand but I haven’t thought about which music to listen to – one coordinator recommends “something light and mellow”. They put some drops in my left eye, numbing medication so that I can’t feel when they prod at the center of my eyeball with the pressure measure. The drops make my eyes feel sticky and heavy. Some chit chat ensues, and the anesthesiologist ensures that I will have a “good ol’ time.” I put Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago on the tunes.

The mask with the nitrous oxide is put in place and held down around my mouth, and I start to feel a bit tingly, particularly around my mouth and my fingertips. My tongue starts to feel like cotton and I’m not sure if my mouth is open…but I’m talking nonsensically and the study coordinators can’t really hear me through the mask. Suddenly everything feels really heavy and the very beginning of the first song “Lump Sum” echoes in my ears with its dreamy vocals and catchy guitar riff. I mean really dreamy….so very echoey….so tingly and woah I’m tripping. Tripping hard and OUT.

DREAM SEQUENCE: I’m pretty sure everything was a hazy black lasting about 2 minutes or 2 days. We were going to a rave to get wasted and dance our butts off. We had to plan the rave and then go to it….it seemed simple enough but whoever I was with….whoever inhabited that dream with me….we were all struggling to make sense of the world. The world stopped making sense….and then BOOM.

WAKING LIFE: The room became clearer and I guess that’s when my 12 minutes of nitrous was up….oxygen filled my lungs but my brain was still so hazy. At least I was present in the room though. I knew at that point that I was back in that bright white room, surrounded by study coordinators, my mouth still covered with the gas mask. I think I was in and out of clear consciousness at that time and I started to believe that the study I signed up for was not about measuring intraocular pressure. No, it was a study put on by a cult of nitrous oxide users, perhaps some underground hippies using this drug to get high and forget about their troubles. Yes this must be some psychology experiment examining the effects of a heavy dose of the sedating gas….I can’t believe I signed up for this! They totally tricked me….this is why people become anesthesiologists….so they can take dips of nitrous after a long hard day at the office. I know I had a string of other semi-paranoia based ideas about the world, about psychology, about psycho-active drugs. I think I have been reading too much Vonnegut. I think I combined “The Euphio Question” and “Welcome to the Monkey House” into one story about drugs….this all happened in a matter of minutes, too.

I became more aware of my thoughts and I started to giggle uncontrollably – “wow I’m such a sucker for signing up for this! They really tricked me, ha ha ha!” At that point I was okay to take part in this weird psycho-analytical study, I wanted to do my part to figure out some of the hallucinogenic effects of nitrous oxide, anything to help.

I’m not sure when my awareness peaked, but suddenly I became very self-conscious and I thought I was drooling. I said aloud several times that I was concerned and sorry for my drooling. They assured me I wasn’t drooling.

THE AFTERMATH: After about 3 or 4 more rounds of intraocular pressure readings, my consciousness was fully intact and I felt almost back to normal. What had just happened? I inquired with the study coordinators. They told me that I giggled a lot, repeatedly stated “I’m having a good ol’ time”, shimmied my way a foot up the table, and acted “awake” the whole time. My headphones had fallen off, I stopped hearing music after about 40 seconds but I’m not sure if that was because I moved around too much or because I was in some other consciousness that Bon Iver couldn’t penetrate. I was in shock, in awe, I was self-conscious that my body and my mouth might have embarrassed or betrayed me. I rambled on about my subtle paranoia as I was waking, and they had mentioned that I was not the first person to bring that up. What about nitrous oxide would make people believe they were sharing the same experience - the experience of being under observation to determine the disconnect between my mind’s consciousness and that displayed by my body while under the influence of the gas? I thought of my friend who is quite the intellectual and has shown an interest in psycho-social aspects of science. This experience would be perfect for him! I really wanted to sign up all my friends, get all their experiments on camera and then interview them afterward! Why did I repeatedly state that I was having a “good ol’ time”? I believe it was because the doctor said that multiple times to me before I went under – “most people just have a good ol’ time”. Afterwards I was told that some people did not have a good time, but rather felt increasingly paranoid and admitted that they would not do the study again if they had the choice. One participant had to be stopped because he or she had flashbacks of previous drug trips.

Well I would definitely do the study again. I was completely out of my mind for more than 10 minutes…completely blacked out and in another world. In the realm of disassociative personalities, nitrous oxide brought out two of my own selves – one was awake on the table having a good time, while the other was dreaming about partying….both equally positive mindsets, though slight paranoia set in when the selves were forced to conjoin as the nitrous oxide wore off. Different selves within a single person - the lump sum.